By Bruce Dyer |
From the moment I experienced my call to ministry in February 1976, I assumed that I would always be a pastor. I am the grandson of an American Baptist Missionary. The Reverend Vernelle W. Dyer, Sr. served in Rangoon, Burma, at the Immanuel Baptist Church from 1919-1939. Pastoring is in my blood. From my ordination on September 13, 1981, when the theme of the sermon, “You Can Never Go Back Again,” took hold of me, one can only imagine the failure and despair I experienced when I preached my last sermon on November 4, 2001.
I pastored two churches over a twenty-year span. I ministered to two small New England congregations for ten years each. During those years I experienced great blessings. The privilege of entering into the lives of people, bringing to them the love and presence of Jesus Christ, is an awesome thing. I witnessed lives changed, healings, and the power of God revealed through my attempts to be a faithful proclaimer of the Gospel.
Yet, also, during those years I became increasingly more aware of the difficulty involved in meeting the expectations of the people in these congregations. Equally apparent to me were power struggles within the church leadership, conflicts between members of the congregation and me, a lack of vision and an understanding of ministry on the part of the people, and my own feelings of inadequacy as a preacher of the gospel. Notwithstanding the fact that many of my colleagues struggle with similar issues, I felt increasingly more alone, more depressed and trapped, unable to fulfill my calling in the way I committed myself to Christ to do so. I can’t tell you how much I labored over sermons and agonized over disagreements with church leaders. Pastoral ministry is a place for those who are tough-skinned extroverts, and as an INFP (introverted, feeling, intuitive, perceptive) type, my desire for approval and my need for relationships always seemed overshadowed by the often harsh realities of pastoral life: meeting congregational needs on a 24/7 basis; preaching, teaching, counseling, and administering equally well; relating to young and old; and meeting the expectations of all—you know the list.
My Yankee blood and my “call” to ministry did two things for me: they reminded me that I am not a quitter and they reinforced the fact that after being in it for most of my adult life pastoral ministry was all I knew and all I could do. During times when I felt angry, resentful, depressed, and confused, identifying with Elijah in 1 Kings 19, I retreated into myself, felt comforted by God, and, in turn, experienced a rejuvenated vision that things would change, if only I could hang on. During my last pastorate, I can’t tell you how many times this cycle repeated itself, and also how much of a toll it took on my family as well as on me.
At a low point a few weeks before Easter 2001, I shared confidentially with my Pastoral Relations Committee and my Executive Minister that I was depressed and questioned whether I could continue to minister without some time away from the church. Anxiety within the congregation had been re-fueling anger and resentment on the part of the leadership. A laundry list of my inadequacies was given to me with the expectation that I would make the appropriate changes. The Executive Minister, who was a close friend of mine, concurred with the requested changes from the Pastoral Relations Committee. I was burned out and needed a break. I did my best to pastor my people and serve the needs of the congregation, and through God’s grace I lasted until the first part of July, when I took a much-needed month’s vacation.
When I returned in the beginning of August, I discovered that meetings had taken place among the church leadership, the Pastoral Relations Committee, and my regional Executive and Area Ministers, without my knowledge. A church-wide meeting was to be held a few days after my return without my presence, moderated by the Area Minister. People were to be given an opportunity to share their “concerns” about the church and my leadership. Through the grace of God, I had been planning to spend some time at the Center for the Ministry in Newton Centre, MA (now in Dedham, MA). It was there that I came to a realization that I had been involuntarily terminated. I had no choice but to resign. I planned to leave without a job. Angry, saddened, feeling like a failure, fueled by inadequacies that told me there was nothing else I could do besides pastoral ministry, I prepared to say good-bye to the congregation and let go of my calling, my profession, and my identity for the past twenty years.
The Scripture says God’s “grace is sufficient.” “In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28, NIV). I had preached that text many times, but now I was to experience its truth personally. Within two weeks following my resignation I interviewed for the position of Substance Abuse Counselor at the high school in the community where we live. I was offered the job and for two years have counseled kids and parents and worked with administrators and teachers, carving out a new role, undertaking a fresh calling, ministering with the spiritual gifts with which God has blessed me. I feel fulfilled, in that my ministry has expanded beyond the church, into places I could not reach as a pastor. God can and has been using me in this “secular” setting to provide hope and healing for young people and their parents.
God does work in mysterious ways. In September of 2003 I was called to the bedside of a dying friend who had attended the church I had pastored, and I was asked to participate in the memorial service. God used this event and the time I had back in the pulpit to remind me of his grace and of his desire for hope, for healing, and ultimately for resurrection. Out of death, there is life. It’s a gift from God to us all that comes to us in the most unexpected times, at moments when we need it the most. As much as I experienced anxiety and fear in standing before the congregation on that Sunday afternoon, a peace, an inner healing, a letting go, and a renewed understanding that God is in control of our lives and of the life of the church filled me. I now feel a sense of confidence and privilege that God has called me to the place where I need to be right now. I feel a renewed freedom in serving Christ. I am invigorated each morning, looking forward to the challenges of the school day, knowing that God is using me to minister to those who hurt and are in pain. I understand that pain. Starting a new career at 46 has re-energized me and reminded me of the preciousness of God’s call in my life. I have discovered that it is all right to move on, that it is possible to bring with me the gifts and experience God has so graciously entrusted to me to share with others, and that it is O.K. to begin again.
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The Reverend Dr. Bruce A. Dyer serves as Substance Abuse Counselor at Westbrook High School in Westbrook, ME. He is President of the Northern Baptist Educational Society.
